Question:

For as far back as I can remember, I've known I want to adopt children rather than have my own. I've always been careful to mention this to boyfriends, rather than hiding it from them.

Before I married my husband I tried on several occasions to warn him about this, but he always cut me off, saying it was too early to talk about children. Now we've been married for five years and are ready to start a family.

He adores children and I know he would be an amazing father. He comes from an Italian background where family is everything. His older and younger brothers both have children already and he is brilliant with them. Many of his friends have children too.

From the way he plays with them and looks longingly at them, he is clearly ready for us to start a family and hopes that we will have our own.

After much discussion he has agreed that if we try to have one child of our own naturally, he would accept adopting a second child, if I really can't cope with the idea of giving birth to another. But the problem is, I really don't want to have my own at all.

I can't quite explain why I feel so strongly about this. It could be because I suffered a STD when I was about 18 and spent a year having doctors poke about at me at regular intervals and hate the thought of it happening again. It could be because I am very sporty and dread the idea of losing my physical fitness. I also don't like pain!

Several female friends have had really nightmarish pregnancies and births and hearing their stories has put me off even more. But more than that, I just don't feel the need. I don't have that maternal instinct, the longing to have my own babies that all my female friends seem to have. I do like children though, and I love the idea of taking on an orphaned child, especially from an overseas country.

My marriage is otherwise extremely happy and my husband and I are like best friends. Am I being really selfish here or should I stick to my guns? We are both 35 now and it feels like time is ticking away. How can we find a compromise in this matter? I am terrified it is going to tear our marriage apart.

Answer:

You can’t find any compromise until you’re being totally honest. He believes that you’ve agreed to try to get pregnant but you have no intention of that, which is more likely to cause your relationship to falter than actually telling him the truth.

It would have been better if you had made some decisions together about this before you got married but you cannot let the subject drift vaguely any longer, no matter how difficult it is to be honest about how you feel.

Perhaps he did you a disservice in not discussing the matter fully before you married but the only way you can reach any sort of workable compromise now is to stop pretending and come clean about your feelings.

You’ve listed a number of reasons why you don’t want to get pregnant which you should really explore, especially your concern about being examined by doctors as pregnancy is not an illness and examinations tend not to be invasive – getting your blood pressure taken and having regular blood tests are the most standard procedures and the only intimate examinations are likely to take place during labour. You’re unlikely to have to see much of doctors since midwives and nurses will provide the bulk of your care.

There are many women who make sure they don’t lose their fitness while pregnant and pain can be very well controlled in childbirth.

Also, adoption is not the easiest of processes so find out about the realities before making any decisions or vague assumptions about how easy it is to adopt a baby, but do it as a couple. You say you’re not maternal yet you also say you would love a child, which is a very mixed message. Try to be as honest as you can with yourself as well as your husband and get all your worries out in the open.

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