True Confessions

True Confessions Agony Aunt: My teenage daughter won't get up for work

True Confessions Agony Aunt
Sunday, May 15, 2011
lazyv teenager
Image: Getty, posed by model

Question:

I need advice about my daughter who is 18 years old and won’t get up for work.

She stays in bed all day and doesn’t get up until the late afternoon and then goes out all evening. I’m at my wits end about what to do.

I’ve done pretty well for myself financially and my daughter is meant to work for me, except she always turns up very late and never does the jobs that I’ve asked her to do.

I don’t want to fall out with her but I would like her to take life more seriously.

Answer:

If you’re serious then it’s time to sit her down and have the big conversation.

You’re paying her for a job she isn’t doing and she’s taking advantage – tell her that you’re treating her like any other employee and you will no longer be employing her if she doesn’t turn up on time and do the job she’s being paid to do.

But remember that once you’ve said that then you have to stick to it which also includes not funding her lazy lifestyle. You can feed her and give her a bed, but keep your cash firmly in your bank account and see if that helps her take life a bit more seriously.

If this is the first time you’ve laid down regulations for her then you should expect a negative reaction.

You’ll have to be strong about sticking to your intention despite any protestations from her. You’re certainly not doing her any favours by handing her everything on a plate but she might not see it like that at first.

It will be hard for you if she threatens to move out but it’s important that you don’t give in if you want her to understand adult responsibilities.

Your say:

Do you have advice on this problem? Please share your thoughts in the comments section below...

User comments
Sure it could be depression. You need to aks her lots of questions. But it could be drugs or alcohol too. Where is she spending all night? Who is she with and what the heck is she doing? I say get some new ground rules asap. Harden up as a parent. You are letting her get away with unsocial, unacceptable, inconsiderate and selfish behaviour. I would have been bounced out of my family home in 1 week with that sort of attitude. Make her start paying board, if she can't go to work to earn the money to pay the board..she's out of there. Might sound harsh but all my siblings and i were raised this way and we are all now sucessfull, law abiding, respectful adults who all own our own businesses and give back to the community with volunteer work. This girl either has depression, a drug or alcohol problem or is just LAZY.
i was doing the same thing at 18 and it didnt take me long to realise i was depressed and when my mum confronted me about it i told her i was depressed and her response was "what do you have to be depressed about?? i give you everything" well im 25 now and to this day i will never forget those words and i will always feel a bit of resntment towards her for that
Just wanted to add in response to the commentator who wrote 'Im sorry but what do you have to be depressed about at 18 -19yrs old? that, unfortunately, there are plenty of reasons for young people to be depressed, further evidenced by the fact that suicide is a leading cause of death in adolescents and young adults (second only to car accidents).
Some of your daughter's behaviours are suggestive of depression. It is easier to assume that your daughter is just being selifsh or lazy but the question of depression is an important one that needs to be addressed before taking any other action. You haven't said anything about what your relationship is like with your daughter - do you have the kind of relationship where you can communicate well? If not, is there someone who your daughter trusts and could talk easily with? Failing that, perhaps the family GP would be helpful and possibly provide a referral to a psychologist so that your daughter could talk through any issues that are bothering her. One thing might be that she is feeling pressured - you say you have been successful - maybe working with you isn't what she really is interested in. Avoidance can be much easier than tacking the issue. However, if it is simply taking advantage, start with setting boundaries and stop enabling.
your daughter sounds like she's depressed. I'm a little older than her and suffered from severe depression for many years. I didn't even realize I was depressed because I'd felt that way for so long I assumed it was normal. When you're depressed, your sleeping patterns get messed up so much. There were days when I wouldn't want to get out of bed because the thought of facing another day made me cry. People who say that people of that age have no reason to be depressed don't know what they're talking about. Talk to your daughter and ask her if she's ok, don't pry though because I know I didn't like to talk about my problems when people tried to pry me for information and would just answer with 'I'm fine'. I took antidepressants and saw a psychologist. If your daughter won't talk to you, see if you can get a referral to a psychologist to get her to open up.
When first reading the story first thing that came to my mind was is she depressed, I used to sleep in late a lot and then go out late all night give up jobs, didnt realise it was depression until i was 22. And the fact that you employed her she is taking advantage, and you have to stick to your guns with that ever decission you do make, because at the end of the day she is 18 and legally an adult.
Im sorry but what do you have to be depressed about at 18 -19yrs old? At that age I was far tooo busy working to be depressed or lazy! As all young people should be, put them to work or kick them to the curb. Thats what I was taught and it hasnt done me any harm! I think everyone needs a good spoonful of cement to harden them up. Hard work doesnt kill you!
I agree with both aspects here. I would advise first to talk to her and check if there is depression happening. If you can deduce that it is not depression but laziness, than fire her. My parents had me work for them as well. Although i knew that if I didn't do the work, or show up I was fired. She needs to be made to take responsibility for her self and her actions. She is taking advantage of you, as her mother and she knows this. If she threatens to move out, let her. See how long she will survive on her own, treating a job the way she currently does.
When I was 19 I would stay in bed all day. Why? Because I couldn't bear to face another day. Ask her if she is depressed, you might be surprised. My parents never asked me and I was lucky to get myself out of that situation on my own. I don't blame my parents at all, the fact they put up with me was amazing in itself and probably showed they knew something was wrong. Talk to her and see how she is. Your frustration about her lifestyle may only be fuelling her insecurities and self esteem.
Sounds a little like depression to me. Just because you have done well for yourself financially does not mean she should care about your company, she is a separate being to you. Perhaps her career path simply lies elsewhere. Mabe you could try taking a day off to spend with your daughter to live a little yourself, meet in the middle, spend some quality family time? Money is not everything to everyone in life, and success should not be based on assetts alone!

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