Question:
I have been in a relationship for four years. My boyfriend has three children who are 19, 16 and 14 years old who live with their mum in the same village as my boyfriend.
We live 150 kms apart and I don’t want to move to live with him until we buy a house together but he has now told me that he cannot force the sale of the house if his ex-wife has not agreed the sale and also if the youngest son is below eighteen years old.
I don’t want to get a mortgage on my own and he won’t take his name off the title of the house his ex wife lives in as he pays that every month. He says that once his youngest son has left home his ex will sell the house and they can split the profit but I think that if he really loved me he would persuade her to sell now.
He says he still loves me but he cancelled the weekend he was supposed to come to my house due to work pressure. We don’t see enough of each other because he sees his kids one weekend at the flat he rents and he either comes up to see me the other weekend or occasionally I go down to see him.
I know I could get a job near him but I feel I’m doing all the work here and I don’t know if I want to sell my house.
How do I sort this problem out with him? I still love him but don't want to move down there until the house is sold so that we can move forward as a couple.
Answer:
You’re not just a couple. He has children which brings emotional and financial commitments and you should be proud of him for meeting those rather than putting him in such a difficult position.
If you want to stay with him and your relationship to move forward you must accept that and also put some more effort in yourself.
It sounds as if he’s putting in most of the work here in juggling you and his family and trying to fit everything in but rather than being supportive you’re being picky – if he had to cancel a weekend because of work pressure why didn’t you make the effort to go to him?
Stop and think about this before you criticise him and if necessary take it down to the time you both spend on each other in relation to your actual leisure time and then ask yourself honestly if you are putting all the effort in.
You could rent out your current house if you don’t want to sell it, especially since you seem confident you could get a job near him and look at your future together as a family.
His children have gone through the breakup of their parents’ marriage and you want to add to their stress by demanding that their home is sold.
You’re being totally inflexible about the mortgage – he’s paying it at present and expects a fair share of the profits when the house is eventually sold – and completely unsupportive about his parental responsibilities.
It’s amazing that he still wants anything to do with you but if you want to be part of this family stop putting yourself first and help him.
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